Hair pictures

December 24, 2008 at 6:53 pm (Update)
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Well…I have my hair pictures ready or not. Many of you know that I shaved my head a few weeks ago. You can read about how I came to the decision to shave my head by clicking here. My friend Misty is a photographer and she came and took pictures while my LifeGroup shaved my head. Below are the pictures Misty sent me. I will say that I have two favorites in all of them. The one of Tyler squatting on the ground in front of me and looking at me and smiling. This one just shows his unconditional love for me in his face and he has made me feel so beautiful throughout all of the bad days and I could never thank God enough for giving such a wonderful and loving husband. I could not be this strong without his love and support. My other favorite is the one where Rachel is rubbing my head. She didn’t even flinch when she looked at Mommy without hair. She just wanted to rub my head and still does! It just goes to show that kids do not care about the what your hair looks like, the clothes you wear, or what you have. All they care about is that they are loved by their mommy and daddy. I love that unconditional love.  

If you click on the pictures they will get larger.

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Chemo and Traveling…I don’t recommend it

December 19, 2008 at 7:06 am (Update)
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So I have added a new experience to my chemo. Traveling the same day. 

I had chemo on Wednesday mid-morning and then on Wednesday night Tyler and I flew to Missouri for his best friends wedding. This was only a minor bad decision on my part. The day that I have chemo I usually feel pretty good. It’s the next 2 to 3 days that I don’t feel good so I thought the flight wouldn’t be so bad and it probably wouldn’t have been except that out flight was supposed to leave at 6:45 and it was delayed until 8:30 and then what was supposed to be a 30 minute layover in Denver ended up being an hour so we didn’t land in Missouri until 2:00 am. This is way past my bedtime on a good day now. So needless to say I wasn’t feeling so great and I was EXTREMELY exhausted. Then it was still a 2 hour drive to Columbia our final destination. The thing that really topped it all off was that they lost all of our bags! Somehow even with a 2 hour delay in Phoenix our bags never made it to the plane along with at least two other couples. This was not good because my coat and all my meds were in my bag!!! Ugh! It was only 10 degrees in Missouri and all I had was a sweatshirt and stocking cap! So as we were talking to the baggage people they tried telling us that because we were more than 2 hours from the airport that they would have to FedEx us our bags and it would be Friday before we would get them! This is when the cancer actually came in handy because I said there was no way I could wait because of needing my medicine. So we got our bags the next day. 

I do have to say though chemo went well this round. I have had some nausea and so far no vomiting. Both major pluses. If it wasn’t for my 13 hours of travel time following the chemo and extreme lack of sleep I probably would be feeling really good. Once we made it to Columbia I have pretty much just vegged out and the only thing that I will be doing is hanging out in the hotel other than the rehearsal dinner tonight and the actual wedding tomorrow. I have actually probably done less considering if I was at home and feeling this good I probably wouldn’t be able to keep myself from doing something at least around the house.

On another note. I had mentioned wanting everyone to pray for my friends and their baby girl because she is having some health problems. Well they received more bad news about their baby this week and he was laid off from work. So I am asking that  you keep the Vender family in your prayers as they are struggling with all of this. I don’t want to go into detail about their situation without their permission so I just ask that you pray for their family during this time.

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Prayer

December 15, 2008 at 2:20 pm (Update)
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At church yesterday morning I realized something. We are in a series called ‘Prayer’ right now and it has made me think about my own prayer life and the power of prayer. I fully believe and have faith that God will heal me in His timing. I know that I am going to be healed but I do not know when. God has a plan for me and my cancer and i trust Him. The thing that I realized today though was that you all have been praying for me non stop and I have asked for specific prayers but I have never asked you if you need me to pray for you. So that is what I want to know. Is there anything that I can pray for you about? If you want to leave an anonymous prayer request too that is fine.

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Prayer Request

December 11, 2008 at 8:36 pm (Current Needs)
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I have a specific prayer request. I am on an antibiotic for an infection and it combined with last weeks chemo has made me pretty sick this week. I have been feeling really sick in the evening and throwing up after dinner. Today I also woke up with about 6 or 8 mouth sores from the chemo that have been magnified by the antibiotic for my infection. Now to my specific prayer request. It has been really hard for me because I feel pretty good during the day but about 4:30 or 5:00ish in the evenings I start feeling pretty bad no matter what I have done during the day. This is hard because Tyler and Rachel are gone during the day when I feel okay but then when they are home at night that is when I feel the worst. Please pray that this is somehow rearranged (I guess). I really want to be able to spend time with Tyler and Rachel in the evening and I can’t because I feel so sick. I don’t want to feel sick at all but I am going to pray and ask all of you to pray that if I am going to be sick that it be sometime during the day when they are gone and that I feel okay in the evening so I can spend time with them. I know that cancer is not easy but I would really like some relief in the evenings so that I can spend time with my family. Thanks for praying!!!!

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has been praying for me! I felt better on Friday and Saturday both and I know that it is the power of God answering all of our prayers!!!

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Family Pictures

December 10, 2008 at 1:55 pm (Uncategorized)
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When we shaved my head last Tuesday Misty was sweet enough to take a few pictures of us as a family before my new GI Jane look. So here they are. Misty does amazing photos and is awesome with kids so if you are in the market check out her site www.mistymichellephotography.com  I go to it about once a week anyways just to check out the new photos! It’s a fun way to spy on some of my Lifechurch friends who use her a lot! Hope you like the pictures!

(If you click on the pictures it will make them larger to view.)

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Choices

December 9, 2008 at 12:17 pm (Update)
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So the last few days have been kind of rough. I have been so tired and feel almost as if I just can’t catch a break. It seems like each chemo treatment has come with another problem that is completely unrelated to the chemo but magnified because of the chemo. For example, I had to start an antibiotic the day after chemo for an infection that is in the incision from my port inplant surgery. The antibiotics have a three side effects (all that stink) that I am now on the receiving end of. So yesterday I was just emotionally spent. I felt awful and suddenly hated that I shaved my head and just had a bad day. It made me start to think though. We make choices everyday. They can be small or big, unimportant or life changing, or just what we are going to have for lunch that day.

I have made a choice. I have chosen to not be angry.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, ”Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. “

I don’t know why God has chosen the path of cancer for me. I have okay days and good days and some really awful days. But I choose to not be angry. I may not be ‘always joyful’ through this but I definitely will ‘never stop praying’. Some days it is hard to not be angry when I am throwing up off and on for 5 hours or when I am so tired that I can’t play with Rachel or when I am so nauseous that I can’t enjoy a simple lunch with friends or family. I am trying though everyday to see God’s plan for me in all of this. I do hope that someday God will reveal to me why I and so many others have to suffer through this.

I have seen people who hang on to anger over something that has happened in their lives. I really feel that if you live in anger it destroys you and the people around you. I have seen it make a person I was close to turn bitter and become so hard to be around or talk to. I have also seen it make a friend so sad and build walls between them and everyone around them. Anger can be so devastating if you can’t find a way to let it go. I have chosen to give my anger about the cancer to God and let Him take care of it for me. That’s not to say I don’t have days that I am mad but I chosen not to live with it consuming me everyday.

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New Hair News

December 5, 2008 at 2:56 pm (Update)
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I made a decision about my hair. After about a five days of fighting back tears when I washed and dried my hair from losing handfuls of it I prayed about and it and found peace about it. I decided to take the power back that the cancer was holding over me about the loss of my hair. Liz reminded me of a story that I saw on Good Morning America about a year ago and pasted the link to the video on her comment about my hair situation. Thanks Liz this was more helpful that i could ever express in making my decision. Robin Roberts is a one of the shows key people and went through cancer and  the same struggle with losing her hair. She talked about how she really felt she was taking back the power the cancer had by shaving her head. This really hit home for me because losing my hair has been such an emotional trigger for me. Well over Thanksgiving weekend I decided to shave my head as well and take back that power. 

So Saturday after Thanksgiving I talked with the four ladies (Jina, Deb, Nicky and Daireth) in my Lifegroup (from church LifeChurch.tv) about helping me do it. I decided that I didn’t want to go to a salon because I thought it would be really hard to watch it being done in a mirror and to have so many people around that I don’t know. So the girls agreed to help me and my LifeGroup met on Tuesday the night before chemo and did it. We shaved my head. It was hard but easier than I thought it would be. Everyone was there all the girls and guys and it made it so much easier. The girls and Tyler all took turns cutting and then shaving my head while Scott (Deb’s husband) videotaped it. And Adrian and Mike took care of Lyla and Claire and were there cheering me on. I cannot really even begin to describe how each of them helped me through what emotionally has been the hardest part about being diagnosed with cancer. It made it so meaningful to have my closest friends there to help with this step in my cancer journey. They all made me feel so loved and beautiful that the next day I went to my chemo feeling so uplifted and didn’t even wear my wig!! I just went in my bald glory! It felt great.

I will be posting the video on my blog of the haircut as soon as I figure out how :) (sorry still new to this) and my friend from church Mist Dunn was generous to come and take pictures during the haircut so I will post those to when she gets them to me. She is an amazing photographer! Check out her site when you get a moment she does such great work especially with kids!!! Her website is www.mistymichellephotography.com

I am still getting use to not having any hair and so is Tyler. Since I only see my head when I walk past a mirror it still catches me off guard. I will say though it has cut 30 minutes off my time getting ready everyday! This is nice on days that I feel really tired and only have enough energy to shower.

I also was worried if it would freak Rachel out that mommy doesn’t have any hair, but she didn’t even flinch! Now she likes to rub my head and say “itchy!” 

I promise to post the pictures and video as soon as I can!

 

 

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCallPlusBreastCancerCommunity/story?id=3869529

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Chemo Round 3

December 5, 2008 at 2:28 pm (Update)
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Sorry it has taken me a couple of days to report on my 3rd round of chemo. I spent the entire day in bed yesterday. I checked my email from my phone yesterday and only got out of bed to use the restroom and throw up. I felt pretty good after chemo on Wednesday night but then on Thursday I felt awful most of the day. The only thing I could keep down were little sips of water so I decided to stay in bed to avoid possibly passing out from dehydration like my first round of chemo. I don’t think it was the chemo that made me sick though. When I saw my oncologist yesterday before chemo I told him that I thought my incision from my port surgery was infected from some tests that were done last week. Well sure enough it is and he started me on an antibiotic. I started taking yesterday and it’s side effect is nausea and vomiting. Let’s just say it lived up to it’s warning label. :( I am feeling better today though. Not back to 100% yet but I am feeling better and luckily the bone, muscle and joint pain from my shot isn’t as bad this time either! So final report from this round of chemo is that it wasn’t as bad as the first 2 rounds so that leaves me with hope!

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Thanksgiving

November 27, 2008 at 5:57 pm (blessings)
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I find myself today thinking about the past year of my life. The past year has been tremendously hard for my family yet I still have been so blessed. It feels bitter sweet. It has been amazing to see how God’s plan for me has unfolded. I am going to list some of the trials that I have experienced in the past year and along with those how they have also blesses, prepared me for, helped me cope with other things. It seems so matter-of-fact to list them but I don’t really know to explain it any other way so if any of this comes across as harsh that is not how I intend it at all.

1. My Grandma was diagnosed with cancer in September 2007 and passed away from it in July 2008. I was closer to my Grandma than any other grandparent and miss her more than I can ever express. But through her battle with cancer I have learned what loss feels like and that makes family that much more important to me. I loved her and have learned that family is everything to me.

2. Last spring I spent almost nine weeks wondering if I had thyroid cancer. I learned that no medical professional will care as much about your health as you do. You must be an advocate for yourself. If you don’t feel good and in your gut you know something is wrong PURSUE IT! Keep asking and pushing until you know you have an answer. I also learned that if you have a crappy doctor you can get a new one!

3. My job at ASU. Let me start by saying that I really enjoy my job but I did not want to go back to work in January. I desperately wanted to be at home with my daughter. I struggled with the guilt of not being at home with her and that I really enjoyed my job. It was hard for almost the first 5 months! Once I found a daycare that Rachel loved though it helped my guilt melt away. It has been amazing to see how God has provided for me with this job though. I have amazing co-workers who have been making my family dinner the weeks I have chemo, they have donated their vacation and sick time to me so that I may keep my salary, and the health benefits from ASU have been so good. All I have had to pay for with my cancer is the doctor visit co-pays and my prescription co-pays. I received an ‘invoice’ of all that my insurance has paid and just for the month of October BEFORE I started chemo it was $47,400.00. If I had to pay for this through my husbands insurance I would be paying around 20% of that.

These are just some of the lessons I have learned that I am thankful for this year. Some may have been hard God never said that we wouldn’t suffer and that life would be easy.

Here are some other things that I am thankful for:

-My beautiful little girl, Rachel

-My niece-to-be that is due in February

-My husband, who gives me amazing support and always makes me feel beautiful even in my worst days.

-My new sister-in-law Ashley

-My husbands side of the family who have chosen to love me. I am so blessed to have them. 

-Tyler’s Gran and Papa. Who without even thinking twice about it basically got in a car and came to stay with us while I go through chemo to take care of me.

-My family

-My incredible friends who are my rock (you all know who you are)

-This one is silly but wireless internet in the chemo room!!! It makes chemo go by so much faster!

-My house. I love my house and am extremely blessed to have it.

-There are so many more that I could be doing this all night so I will stop.

Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read about my life and comment on it. You all mean so much to me!

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Hair

November 25, 2008 at 5:06 pm (Update)
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So far I have been doing pretty well with my cancer diagnosis. One of the hardest parts to try to mentally prepare for is losing my hair. It is definitely my emotional trigger on bad days or random comments from strangers that make me want to punch them in the face. It is one subject that I would just rather not talk about. Losing your hair is such a visual thing with cancer and as a woman if you are having a bad hair day it can make your whole day bad so not having hair can lead to many bad days.  I have such mixed emotions about losing my hair. Some days I think ‘It’ll be nice to not have to wash and dry my hair’ when I feel completely exhausted from chemo and other days I think ‘It’s my hair and I don’t want to lose it!’. The day I found out exactly what type of cancer I have and went over the treatment plan and everything the nurse said that I would notice my hair starting to thin out about 3 weeks after my first round of chemo and I found myself the next morning praying that I would have my hair through Christmas.

This brings me to my lovely topic of hair today. Yesterday was a pretty rough day. I felt pretty bad most of the day – just really, really tired most of the day and then to top it all off, right on schedule, I started to lose quite a bit of my hair. It just started to come out. It was so hard to not just start crying. I didn’t want to touch my hair because I was afraid a massive chunk would just come out in my hands and I don’t have a wig yet. I am afraid to wash it, dry it, brush it, doing anything involving touching it! It was just a hard day. Today I am feeling better about it but it was still hard this morning washing my hair and losing so much and then drying and brushing my hair and losing more. I am going to look at wigs tomorrow.

I just wanted to share what I was going through this week. On a happier note we have family in town this week for Thanksgiving and it’s nice to spend time with them and get to host Thanksgiving dinner at our home. What even better is I don’t have to cook!

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