Thanksgiving

November 27, 2008 at 5:57 pm (blessings)
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I find myself today thinking about the past year of my life. The past year has been tremendously hard for my family yet I still have been so blessed. It feels bitter sweet. It has been amazing to see how God’s plan for me has unfolded. I am going to list some of the trials that I have experienced in the past year and along with those how they have also blesses, prepared me for, helped me cope with other things. It seems so matter-of-fact to list them but I don’t really know to explain it any other way so if any of this comes across as harsh that is not how I intend it at all.

1. My Grandma was diagnosed with cancer in September 2007 and passed away from it in July 2008. I was closer to my Grandma than any other grandparent and miss her more than I can ever express. But through her battle with cancer I have learned what loss feels like and that makes family that much more important to me. I loved her and have learned that family is everything to me.

2. Last spring I spent almost nine weeks wondering if I had thyroid cancer. I learned that no medical professional will care as much about your health as you do. You must be an advocate for yourself. If you don’t feel good and in your gut you know something is wrong PURSUE IT! Keep asking and pushing until you know you have an answer. I also learned that if you have a crappy doctor you can get a new one!

3. My job at ASU. Let me start by saying that I really enjoy my job but I did not want to go back to work in January. I desperately wanted to be at home with my daughter. I struggled with the guilt of not being at home with her and that I really enjoyed my job. It was hard for almost the first 5 months! Once I found a daycare that Rachel loved though it helped my guilt melt away. It has been amazing to see how God has provided for me with this job though. I have amazing co-workers who have been making my family dinner the weeks I have chemo, they have donated their vacation and sick time to me so that I may keep my salary, and the health benefits from ASU have been so good. All I have had to pay for with my cancer is the doctor visit co-pays and my prescription co-pays. I received an ‘invoice’ of all that my insurance has paid and just for the month of October BEFORE I started chemo it was $47,400.00. If I had to pay for this through my husbands insurance I would be paying around 20% of that.

These are just some of the lessons I have learned that I am thankful for this year. Some may have been hard God never said that we wouldn’t suffer and that life would be easy.

Here are some other things that I am thankful for:

-My beautiful little girl, Rachel

-My niece-to-be that is due in February

-My husband, who gives me amazing support and always makes me feel beautiful even in my worst days.

-My new sister-in-law Ashley

-My husbands side of the family who have chosen to love me. I am so blessed to have them. 

-Tyler’s Gran and Papa. Who without even thinking twice about it basically got in a car and came to stay with us while I go through chemo to take care of me.

-My family

-My incredible friends who are my rock (you all know who you are)

-This one is silly but wireless internet in the chemo room!!! It makes chemo go by so much faster!

-My house. I love my house and am extremely blessed to have it.

-There are so many more that I could be doing this all night so I will stop.

Thanks to everyone who takes the time to read about my life and comment on it. You all mean so much to me!

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Hair

November 25, 2008 at 5:06 pm (Update)
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So far I have been doing pretty well with my cancer diagnosis. One of the hardest parts to try to mentally prepare for is losing my hair. It is definitely my emotional trigger on bad days or random comments from strangers that make me want to punch them in the face. It is one subject that I would just rather not talk about. Losing your hair is such a visual thing with cancer and as a woman if you are having a bad hair day it can make your whole day bad so not having hair can lead to many bad days.  I have such mixed emotions about losing my hair. Some days I think ‘It’ll be nice to not have to wash and dry my hair’ when I feel completely exhausted from chemo and other days I think ‘It’s my hair and I don’t want to lose it!’. The day I found out exactly what type of cancer I have and went over the treatment plan and everything the nurse said that I would notice my hair starting to thin out about 3 weeks after my first round of chemo and I found myself the next morning praying that I would have my hair through Christmas.

This brings me to my lovely topic of hair today. Yesterday was a pretty rough day. I felt pretty bad most of the day – just really, really tired most of the day and then to top it all off, right on schedule, I started to lose quite a bit of my hair. It just started to come out. It was so hard to not just start crying. I didn’t want to touch my hair because I was afraid a massive chunk would just come out in my hands and I don’t have a wig yet. I am afraid to wash it, dry it, brush it, doing anything involving touching it! It was just a hard day. Today I am feeling better about it but it was still hard this morning washing my hair and losing so much and then drying and brushing my hair and losing more. I am going to look at wigs tomorrow.

I just wanted to share what I was going through this week. On a happier note we have family in town this week for Thanksgiving and it’s nice to spend time with them and get to host Thanksgiving dinner at our home. What even better is I don’t have to cook!

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Chemo Round 2 Done

November 22, 2008 at 11:29 am (Update)
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I had my second round of chemo on Wednesday and it went really well. That night I had a really bad headache and was pretty sick to my stomach until about 8 on Thursday morning. Otherwise I have felt fine. I have to have a shot 24 hours after my chemo that helps my body build white blood cells and I have figured out that it is what makes me a little uneasy on my feet. It makes it hard for me to be up walking around for long. I’m not sure why it does it though. It is god to know what causes me to feel off though. I am very thankful that I felt better this go around though because Rachel, poor little Rachel, was up until almost 1:00 am on Thursday night screaming and pulling on her ear. I took her to the doctor on Friday morning and the pediatrician said she has an ear infection in both of her ears! Poor kid has had an ear infection for 3 weeks!

Thanks for all of your prayers. I feel comfort as I am going through all of this and it comes from God, my family, and all of you. Your prayers mean more to mean that I can ever express!

I also want to say a special thank you to my friends at work (ASU) that have been providing my family with a dinner the week I have chemo and to Lori and Nancy for also making us dinner this week as well! It has been so nice to not have to worry about that detail!

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Some pictures of my family

November 17, 2008 at 11:52 am (Update)

I just wanted to post a few pictures of my family so you can get to know us a little better! It’s always nice to have faces to go with names!

Rachel on her first bike ride

Rachel on her first bike ride

 

Rachel waving 'HI!' in her princess wave

Rachel waving

 

Rachel and Tyler on Halloween our little ballerina

Rachel and Tyler on Halloween our little ballerina

 

Rachel and me on Halloween playing in the backyard

Rachel and me on Halloween playing in the backyard

 

Trick or treating on Halloween

Trick or treating on Halloween

 

Rachel and her friends on Halloween... all more interested in playing in the dirt than anything else!

Rachel and her friends on Halloween... all more interested in playing in the dirt than anything else!

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On My Heart

November 17, 2008 at 11:28 am (Current Needs)
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I have a request to all who have been praying for me. I have some friends that I would like you to pray for. Some of Tyler and my close friends have been having a really hard year. Our friends Adrian and Nicky were blessed with a beautiful little girl this year named Claire. She unfortunately has had a very rough start in life that you would not wish upon anyone. Claire was born premature with kidney problems and reflux problems that have caused her to have to eat using a feeding tube still. She also has a problem with brain that leave much unknown as to her development. I don’t really understand much about the brain to be able to give accurate information because it is all confusing to me. She is such a beautiful little girl so sweet. I love her with all my heart. Nicky, Adrian, and Claire have been weighing heavily on my heart all week. I feel such an ache to help them in some way. They are having such a hard time right now with all that they have to deal with and the hurt they are feeling because their sweet baby is uncomfortable because of the reflux and having to see doctor after doctor and feel as if they are getting no where. I cannot begin to understand what they are going through or how they feel. The only thing that I know is that if Rachel is sick and crying for one or two days I would do anything to take away her pain and make her feel better. Nothing breaks my heart more than when my little girl is sick. So this brings me to my request I don’t know what to do for them except pray and pray more and pray more. I ask that if you pray for me when you do please pray for Adrian, Nicky, and Claire also. Pray for them to have strength, to ask for help from those who love them, and for Claire that God will heal her and provide her some relief from the pain of her reflux.

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A Little Quiet Last Week

November 17, 2008 at 10:58 am (Update)
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Sorry I have been quiet all week long! I spent most of last week like a vegetable on the couch or in bed! I was so wiped out all week. I have never been one to take much medicine even for headaches. Until my hip pain started about 3 months ago I might have taken a couple of Tylenol a month for a headache – if that.  I just have never wanted to take it unless absolutely necessary, but now that I am dealing with cancer I have taken more meds in the past 30 days than I have in my entire life. So where I am going with all the rambling is last week I spent most of the week doubled over in pain with pretty severe stomach pain from all the meds. I had been taking oxycotin for the pain in my hip and it wasn’t working all day so my oncologist changed it to morphine sulphate. Well I quickly discovered (within an hour) that morphine and I do NOT mesh! The morphine made my entire body cramp in pain like the kind of cramping pain you have when you get a charlie horse cramp in your leg – if that makes sense. The thing that really stunk was that it was an extended release 12 hour pill, so I felt cramping pain for close to 14 hours by the time it actually wore off! I could barely eat anything for a few days because the morphine I received at the hospital and then the morphine I took on my own made my stomach hurt so bad that every time I ate I felt like I was going to throw up! Then on Thursday I woke up and realized I caught the cold that Tyler and Rachel had. I ended up calling my oncologist for the 3rd time that week and let them know I was now sick. They prescribed another medicine, an antibiotic this time, to get ahead and try to knock out my cold before I have chemo on Wednesday. I am finally feeling better today. I still have a pretty nasty cough but I am feeling much better today. After that long explanation that is why I didn’t even pick up the computer last week!

It has been interesting seeing how my body reacts to different medicines. The one common question I have discovered throughout the past month of many, many, many tests, biopsies, surgeries, ER visits, and doctors visits is “Are you allergic to any drugs/medicines?” My answer every time was “Not that I am aware of.” I am starting to figure out that certain medicines do not agree with my body. I do not like the process of finding out what meds don’t agree! It is painful!! I guess it is all part of the process. I also set down and read and re-read all of the chemo and cancer information that I was given. When it was given to me by the doctor I just didn’t have it in me to really read in depth and concentrate on educating myself on all of the info. There is so much information to read and take on all at once that it is just overwhelming. When I was reading it all I discovered that none of what I had read at first stuck. I didn’t retain anything except ‘you will lose your hair, all of the hair on your body’. Losing your hair is such a visual reminder of cancer that it was the only piece of real information that stuck. So it was good for me to re-read and gain a better understanding of what is about to happen to my body through chemo.

Last week was definitely a long week. It made the reality of the cancer really set in. I came to the realization that I am going to have really bad days and I am going to have good days. Last week made me really want to fast forward six months to the end of my chemo. I spent time praying and just asking God give me more good days than bad and to help me keep my spirits up during all of this. So as for prayer this week for me please pray specifically that I will have more good days than bad this week as I have another chemo treatment on Wednesday.

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Hit a bump… night stand or wall maybe… in the road

November 10, 2008 at 6:51 pm (Update)
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Injuries from fall and surgery

There is a description of my injuries at the bottom.

Well all was going well after chemo…so I thought! I had my first bump in the road on Friday around 11:30 in the morning. I was feeling semi good on Friday morning so I thought I would go take a shower. The shower went fine it was when I decided to change my bandage from surgery that it all went down hill! The bandage that I had on to cover the incision where they put my port in was clear so I was able to see the incision clearly on my chest. I had pealed up the bandage all the way except where the incision was that’s when it turned bad. See on Wednesday after chemo they had to take the bandage off to take out the IV from my port and it was extremely painful and even bled a little. So just as I made it to the point where the bandage was over the incision I became really hot, dizzy, and nauseous. I guess I was just overwhelmed from the thought that it might hurt just as bad as it did on Wednesday. I made my way to my bed and sat on the edge of it thinking ‘Oh if I sit for a minute I will be fine’ the next thing I know Tyler’s Papa was waking me up off the floor and I had a mouth full of carpet! I had passed out and fell forward into our very sturdy night stand creating a nice cut above my left eye, one across my nose, and above my lip. I had landed face down in between the nightstand and wall (which there is only enough room for my head). 

All of this resulted in my oncologist wanting me to take a trip to the ER at Banner Desert Hospital (where I receive chemo) to get checked out. I ended up spending the next 29 hours getting even more aquatinted with Banner Desert Hospital. I will say one thing the staff is excellent at Banner Desert. Now, because of a silly bandage I have a bruised ego, a few cuts that will result in scars and an extremely stiff neck from my head whiplashing between the night stand and the wall!

Tyler trying to keep the humor in things keeps trying to find the ‘perks’ involved with me having cancer. So far here are a few of the things he has come up with (in no particular order)

1. Since I am a chemo patient I have a ‘fast’ pass for the ER. It gets me in without waiting so that I am not exposed to any other sick people.

2. I will always get a private room so I am not exposed to sick people.

3. Tyler gets a 20% off discount button for the cafeteria since I am a patient. (Sad but yes he was excited)

4. My co-workers have organized to provide meals on the days that I have chemo so that I do not have to smell the food being cooked. (He is a big fan of this and if you have ever tasted the food cooked up by my co-workers you would understand!)

I am sure I am forgetting something but when I remember or Tyler reminds me I will add it to the list!

Well I hope I have at least made a few of you laugh! If I can’t laugh about it then it’s really not worth sharing! I debated posting a picture of my ‘battle wounds’ purely because there is no way to take a picture that is flattering since make up and a good hair day conflict with my wounds healing but I decided to anyway! Again might as well get a laugh! In the picture above my right eye has steri-strips covering the cut above my eye and there is a big red looking spot on the bridge of my nose and a little red on my lip below my nose – all thanks to the wall or night stand. On the right side of my neck there are several bruises which are actually small incisions from the surgery and then there is the main incision for my port on the right side of my chest. The entire right side of my chest is actually a little bruised from the surgery. Hope you get a laugh!

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Surgery and Round One Chemo…DONE!

November 6, 2008 at 8:44 am (Update)
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Yesterday was a long, very long, day. I checked into the hospital at 6:30 am for my surgery to have my port put in. As soon as I was done in recovery from surgery I went to my oncologist office and had my first chemo treatment, which ended around 6:15 pm. I was pretty tired and sore most of the day but it all went pretty smoothly. My right shoulder and neck are so sore from the port being put it. If I laugh or turn my head wrong it hurts pretty bad. And this morning I woke up about four in the morning really nauseous from the chemo, but I took my nausea medicine and it has really curbed the nausea. I was actually able to eat a piece if toast and some sprite this morning and it is still in my belly so mission accomplished! 

So far so good I guess! Even my oncologist said ‘Oh Wow! Your port looks great!’ So that leaves me feeling good considering you know he sees them a lot. He know when they look good or not! You actually can’t even see the port. It is flush with my skin and normally there is a bump where the port is.

Thanks to all of you who have been praying for me. I felt at peace yesterday and know it is because of all of you praying for me. Please feel free to contact me if you have any specific questions or just want to talk to me. And again thanks to all of you for your support!

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My Many Blessings

November 3, 2008 at 12:58 pm (blessings)
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my familyYesterday my husband, Tyler, and I went on a micro mission with our church. We went several other people from our church to a homeless shelter to provide lunch for everyone living there as well as crafts for the children.

I have to say that we volunteered to do this last week when we found out about it but then on Sunday I was really tired and didn’t want to go, but we did. We made a commitment and I wanted to stick to it. I have found now that I get much more tired than normal because I am so limited on what I am allowed to do because of my hip. I am so happy about the decision to go though. I feel like we made a difference and it really showed me all that God has blessed me with over the past year.

BLESSING: My job at ASU/Co-Workers

When Tyler was laid off and I had to go back to work I was so unhappy about it and depressed for several months. I now see God’s plan for why I went back to work. God blessed me with my job at ASU and it is so clear now. In my department at ASU, The Global Institute of Sustainability, God provided with with amazing co-workers who have volunteered their sick and vacation hours to me. Thanks to my co-workers generosity and my short term disability I will have my full salary and benefits for the next six months! I found this out the day after I found out that I will have to have chemo for six months. How could I deny that was God providing for my family.

BLESSING: Health Benefits

Another blessing from having my full salary is that my benefits will remain exactly the same. I will not have to pay ASU’s portion to keep my benefits active. The only thing that I am having to pay is my normal monthly insurance premiums. Also, the benefits at ASU are so good that I have only had to pay doctor visit co-pays (never more than $20 each). I have not had to pay any deductibles, percentages, nothing! I have to pay my normal co-pays for medications. During the month of October I had three MRI’s, a PET Scan, MUGA Scan, Pulmonary Function Test, a nuclear medicine test, and 2 biopsies. If I had to pay a portion of any of that we would already have thousands of dollars in doctors bills. If we were on Tyler’s insurance we would be paying. So I am sure you can see how God providing me with a job at ASU has been a blessing on our finances. 

BLESSING: Family

Wow! I don’t really know where to begin about our family. My Mom was here for my most recent biopsy to help me and Tyler for that and now Tyler’s Gran and Papa are here staying with us for as long as we need. They have come to help take me to my treatments and help us with whatever we need. Tyler’s mom will be coming for the entire teacher Christmas break to help and then his aunt and other Granddad will be here after Christmas for a couple of weeks to give Tyler’s Gran and Papa a break for about a month. It is amazing to have so much family that cares about us because there are a lot of people who don’t know what’s it like t have family who love so unconditionally. 

BLESSING: Friends

When something like this happens it really shows you who your true friends are and can really surprise you who steps up to the plate unexpectedly. We have had such an outpour of support from our friends offering to do anything and everything I could ever imagine. My co-workers have organized to be able to provide meals for us on days that I have chemo and others as well. I know this sounds a little bad to say this way but I feel like I have done something right to have so many wonderful people in my life. It is so overwhelming (in a great way of course) to have so many people care so much!

I could go on and on about all of the blessing that have been revealed to me over the past month but these are just some of the major ones. I might have cancer but I am still blessed. It was really eye opening to see the homeless people that we helped yesterday. It really made me wonder what happened to each of them to end up homeless. Not that they did anything wrong especially with the current economy. It also makes you wonder if they have family and why was their family unable to help?  There were so many children there and I just wanted to bring each of them home and take care of them. I also caught myself yesterday when I saw a UHaul truck coming into Maricopa as we were leaving to go to church and my first thought was ‘I wonder if they lost their house or if they are just moving?’ It is so sad that was my first thought because a year ago it wouldn’t have been. We have been so blessed to be able to keep our house even though it has been a struggle this year. I just thank God everyday for all of my blessings. 

I have just found this verse to be so true as the past month has unfolded: “When you go through deep waters, I will be with you…” Isaiah 43:2, NLT. It is so true. God has been here every step of the way for me.

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